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Section 3
Wanted: Part Time cleaning staff. Ring 029-76461 and ask for Eric Tinkler or David Hillier.
“Musselwhite carries the hopes and fears of a broken nation”. Great things expected of new Kiskeam leader Paul Musselwhite.
Buy your own medicine online @ www.Pallydersen.com. This site comes highly recommended by Daniel Amokachi.
“Have you seen this man?”. His name is Andy Dibble. He is 6ft tall. If seen contact Sgt. Andy Selenzi at Mahon Garda Station.
“Up a bit, up a bit, down a bit…. CRASH!!!!” these are the last words of Brian Talbot before his apprentice Stephen Pressley dropped scaffolding on him.
Going Grey?? Restore your natural colour with the worlds leading formulation. Call to Boots and Efan Ekuko will sort you out.
Who is the manager of Tesco Ireland? Is it: A: Daniele Massaro B: Wim Kieft C: Toto Schillachi D: Darren Wassell. Answers to the usual address.
“Have your fortune told”. Renowned fortunetellers, Jason Lee and Ceri Hughes will be in Knocknagree next Saturday from 2 to 5pm.
Would the following people bring their car to the NCT test center in Cork: Glenn Roeder, 90C 74563, John Lukic 91D 64450 by 6th January please.
Graduation 2000. People who graduated with a degree in Agricultural Studies are as follows: Glenn Cockerill and Terry Horlock.
Buy the latest Teddy Orlygsson gear at River island where top quality is Guaranteed.
“I'm back on track” claims Tim Breaker as he continues his fight against Nymphomaniesm.
Rhys Wilmots was sent off today in bizarre circumstances. The ref raised the yellow card to Rhys only for him to raise 2 cards and shout “a pair of Kings!!!!”.
Gavin Dykes and son are to start a DIY chain in upper Kiskeam! To open this special store, they have requested the financial help of Patsy Freyne!
“That's a very impressive CV Charlie George!”… “When can I start Mr. Ricky Villa?”
“Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer was kidnapped last night while Santa was in Kiskeam! The police believe that this was the work of one Jacob Kjelberg!
Missing: Last winters snow. Last seen on the ground last winter. If seen, contact Teddy Orlygsson at 021 222226. He is worried sick about it.
Leo Fortune West is to bring his world acclaimed circus to Kiskeam for 1 show only. Limited tickets available.
Welcome to tonight's Lotto. The Jackpot is £1m. My name is Kevin Keen and our independent adjudicator from Stokes Kennedy Crowley is Pal Lydersen.
This is Bryan Dobson here at the 4 courts where Judge Thomas Doll has ordered Thomas Brolin and Pietro Vierchowood to give evidence at the Moriarty Tribunal.
Hello, my name is Julian Darby and I'm going to be lecturing ye in Analytical Chemistry this semester. Ye're lab assistant will be Mr. Preki.
Will you please stand Mr. Gordon Petric. We the Jury of Dallas Texas Presiding over your case find you guilty of shocking defending. You are herby sentenced to 6 years.
And here is the tune you all voted for… “My Love” by Kevin Drinkell.
The Votes have been counted and the results are as follows. Winner of the Bonny baby competition is Les Sealey. Second place is John Burridge.
FAI get green light with Eircom Park project but instead of calling it Eircom Park, they decide to call it Nigel Spackman Park much to the delight of the public.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone at my good friend Michael Stensgaard.
And this just in… Marc Hottiger was arrested today as he once again was caught blowing his sexual trumpet on the beaches of Wales by Cardiff Police.
“Can anybody fly this thing?”. The final recorded words of Mauricio Gaudino, the pilot of the Boeing 747 which disappeared earlier this morning,
“I'm Gunnar shoot ye all”. The words of psychopath Gunnar Halle as he brandished a gun upon his release from Kiskeam penitentiary. He is back inside as a result.
“Breathtaking, Out of this world, a classic, incredible”… Just a few of the superlatives used to describe Jan Age Fjortoft's new film “Dim you Bitch”.
Clinton Morrison to be expelled from Devon School for what his principal Mr. Hill described as “Sham coughing!”.
The “Lets do Slane twice” campaign leaders are all biting their finger nails tonight as the final decision on the proposed
second gig is down to Sasa Curcic.
If you had 3 Ashley Grimes and you took away 1, you'd have 2 Ashley Grimes wouldn't you?? Well tell that to Luther Blissett who is convinced you'd have 4 Ashley Grimes.
At a special Gala Dinner to be held in the Plaza Hotel, O' Neil Donaldson is to be honoured for his exploits during World War II, where he killed 6 men with 1 bullet.
“Hey Bollix… 2 pints of Guinness!!”. The last words of raging alcoholic Ricky Otto before meeting his maker at Mullanes Bar last Friday.
“Yes they will”. The answer the public was waiting for. Confirmation from Dromina Castle Owner Kevin Ratcliffe of Mel Sage and the Flying Horseshits 2001 concert.
Manager of fish distributors “The Fillet of Sillett”, John Sillett shows extreme caution by taking his fish off the market following the latest BSE scare.